By Ann M. Frank, Psy.D.

Dear Dr. Frank: About a year ago, my mother re-married after being on her own for many years.

She and my father divorced when I was young, so she pretty much raised us herself, with little help from him. She's a great mom, but I can't stand her new husband!

He's boring, and never stops talking. He's opinionated. He's a know-it-all. He tells dumb jokes. My mother never comes to visit alone anymore; he's always glued to her. If he's around when I call her, I can hear him in the background, butting into our conversation, and telling her things to tell me.

They live out-of-state, and my mother keeps inviting us to visit - but that would be for an entire week and I don't think I could stand him that long. I'm running out of excuses. My husband gets along with him better than I do and thinks we shouldn't keep disappointing them. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my mother - can you help me?

A. Adapting to a parent's re-marriage, whether you're a child or an adult, is never easy. It requires a huge adjustment and lots of patience and time as family dynamics shift to make room for the new spouse.

Fears abound: Will you have to compete for your parent's love? Will this change your established role in the family? Do you have to like this person, no matter what? Will you lose your parent over this?

I have dealt with this dicey dynamic not just professionally, but personally, as well.

You've listed some obvious reasons why you dislike your mother's husband. You can't figure out why she loves him. That's critical information - I think you should ask her.

So put on your big girl pants and set up a time to have a woman-to-woman talk with your mother.

Start off by telling her how glad you are that she's happy. Assert that you want to reserve time for uninterrupted mother-daughter telephone chats, but that at other times, a telephone pass-around is acceptable. Most importantly, acknowledge that you're struggling to make a connection with her husband; that you don't understand him.

She may surprise you. Perhaps you'll learn that she has told him lots about you and what makes you tick - and that while he's eager to impress you, he's failing because he's shy. Or, maybe she'll affirm that she overlooks his boorishness with others because in private, he's gentle and kind to her. It could be that he has eased her worries by providing much-needed financial stability.

Maybe it's that he's put her high on the pedestal from which she always yearned to see the world.

Of this I'm certain: as she tells you about him, you'll also be discovering a lot about the woman you have always called "Mom."

Until now, she has always been a one-dimensional person who either nursed you when you were sick, scolded you when you were bad, corrected your homework, or chauffeured you around. But now you may infer that to him, she is one very desirable woman - and that what they have together is far from boring!

For sure, accept their invitation. Say that you and your husband will come for the weekend, but not for a week. In making plans, delineate time for you and your mom as well as for the four of you as couples.

Plan tea for two, or schedule a spa day. Decide whether the four of you are going to dine out or dine in. Maybe you could choose a Japanese steakhouse or a restaurant with entertainment, which would be distracting and fun. You might encourage your mother to invite their friends over, which would help diffuse the intensity for her husband. Activities such as going to a movie or a concert can also discreetly limit his time to bore you.

Frankly...

Obviously, you can't force yourself to like or to love your mother's spouse. But you must recognize that you and he are indeed bonded - because you both love the same person. If all else falls short, remember this: She made room for your husband, now it's your turn to make room for hers.

-Ann M. Frank, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist licensed in Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and New York. In private practice in Lincoln, she can be reached by e-mail at Dr.Ann76@cox.net, or in care of this newspaper. The column provides general guidelines, but is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy.